Chapter 4 ABD Commentary

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Current Rotation: Caeldori, Ignatius, Kanaki, Kanny and Kanaze

Caeldori: Well, our parents took the brunt of the complete massive mess that was chapter 3, so now it's our turn to endure the teenage trainwreck that is ABD.

Kanaze: It's also my first time on here! Which is confusing yes since there are three Kanas in this rotation, but that's why we have our distinguishing names based on our papas!

Ignatius: Anyway, onwards to the next...

Boyd the Reaver: …you egomaniacal fuckmuffin.

Keaton: *visibly nauseous* Apparently, it is a stretch. I forgot this Corrin is a nymphomaniac without a functioning brain...

Kay: I just… wha… you tried to kill him, you dumbass! How, in the name of all that is holy, do you think he’s even attracted to you, let alone want to date you?! You just know Secret Agent Gunter is trying to decide he should be more thankful or ashamed he’s planning to pull one over on someone I think forgets to breathe!

Leliel: “ Because everyone is attracted to the Sue, amiright?!” Leaving alone that, spoiler alert, he does betray her by the end of this chapter, it’s just stupid to assume “oh, the guy I tried to kill, like, totally has the hots for me and not crushing my skull in his mind!”

Charlotte: Honey, Corrin, listen close: when someone is being deliberately unsettling, that generally means they’re threatening you. Lust has nothing to do with it, you nonce!

Kanny: In a better story, she would have been called out on it and it be the sign of some serious screws loose.

Kanaki: Except in that story it would probably be her retainers fearing for their lives under the terrible liege they're under. Because this isn't protagonist material.

Kanaze: In a way, this could have worked with her as a protagonist only in the sense that she's been so deprived of love and affection that she has a warped sense of what it is, and this is what happens from isolation breaking her mind. But screw mental complexity, that's for adult writers who know what they're doing!

Keaton: *catches on* Precisely! The only reason Saizo isn’t forcefeeding Corrin the business end of Ganglari right now is because of raw luck! If he catches on, it’s likely he won’t care that she's the missing princess! Mikoto’s family could go rot for all he cares if her daughter took his!

Leliel: …I would say Saizo would hold back his rage, maybe, but then I recognized that “murdered my brother in cold blood” would probably send anyone ballistic, and Saizo is, ah, not the most stoic. My mistake.

Kanaze: Pfft, Uncle Saizo's reaction to Mama nonlethally subduing Fort Jinya in Revelations was to conclude that he needed to burn himself for the sake of bringing her and Aunt Azura down, which only didn't happen because of Papa and Aunt Sakura vouching for them. Not the most stoic is an understatement.

Kay: *expression freezes* …unlike some people I can point at. You live in a crossing to Nohr! Spies will stop here on the way out! … I’m calling the commander here Captain Baka from now on, since he doesn’t get a name.

FIXING WHAT AIN’T BROKE: 39

"You are right on the border."

"Look pal, I've been stationed over this literal hellhole for 15 years and in 15 years I've never so much as laid eyes on a Norhian! Nobody comes here!"

Caeldori: This whole Captain Baka exchange is probably worth A Dimmer Light points for making the Hoshidan side of the border guard look stupid and incompetent.

"Two words; volume control. And as for my business, I just need to have a chat with your commander. I have a message from my father; you made of heard of him, all you need to do is look at a gold coin."

Jude: *winces* So… much… smug. Can’t… look… directly. Needs… to.. shut… up…

Boyd the Reaver: Fucking hell, how much of a pristine little shit do you have to be there? I almost want to sucker punch Corringula now.

Ignatius: *deep sigh* Diplomacy, Corringula. Ever heard of it? Or did you skip those classes for casual prisoner murder?

"I don't think we need a spook to handle four little girls," said the commander, "I give the orders around here, not you, ninja. Just take your provisions and scurry back into your hiding holes while I see what this is all about."

Leliel: Given how the princess does not seem to be traveling with an armed entourage, I’d be a little more concerned about where the big men with swords are. But, ‘nobody comes here’, so in Captain Baka’s, er, ‘mind’, I imagine he thinks the ground ate them.

Kanaki: Either that or he takes it at face value and in a land of ninjas, doesn't think they're hiding somewhere ready to spring at any second.

Caeldori: For that matter, who is the commander to boss around Saizo? Saizo is a royal retainer, which is not small title and part of that is handling affairs for Lord- I mean Uncle Ryoma. I get that as a ninja, he's more covert about the title, but that doesn't mean he's a pushover!

Kaze would have to wait another day.

Charlotte: *sputters* Wait. So, in this fic, the reason he’s here is -

Leliel: Because he’s worried about his little brother, and is holding out hope of rescuing him. Which is pointless, and thus, shows how dark the world is, that he’s on a pointless quest! That makes this whole scene meaningful, and not anything like “he gives Captain Baka a clue!”

Kanaze: Ugh, after what happened to Papa in the story, I don't see this going well. Though missed opportunity in Uncle Saizo being the true protagonist and having his vengeance arc.

When they were let through the gate, every soldier glared at them like demons were breaking down their door; she supposed from their perspective, that was exactly what was going on. The commander that met them barely even bothered with the pretense of being cordial when he greeted them.

Charlotte: *Corringula* “Like, weird! You’d think I’d have insulted them all with how great my dad is - oh, wait…”

Keaton: In all seriousness… Something tells me we’re supposed to think this is an early sign of how racist Hoshidans are, instead of, y’know, being a little peeved a spoiled princess just charged into their fort like she owned the place.

Caeldori: If you consider Hoshido's point of view, Nohr's king tricked and murdered their king, then stole their princess. Why wouldn't they be suspicious and wary of the royalty, especially someone acting as entitled as Corringula?

She might have gone easy on the commander, if he'd been a bit more polite, but based on this treatment she didn't have much choice to but see how far she could push him; "No women around here, I'm noticing. That explains all the uptightness around here. Your boys look like they're desperate for a woman's touch; don't look at me, though. I'm a patriot."

Kay: …no choice, except for this dumb plan and banking nobody is just going to get sick of you and demand the message before you rub your breasts in their faces and mock them.

Ignatius: Again, better story in someone seeing her desperate sexual desires as a red flag and getting her therapy for it. Would have at least offered a compelling character arc.

"...We don't have wine."

Corrin gasped, "No wine, no sex; how do you guys get through the day? This really is a hellholl!"

Leliel: *gapes at the misspelling* “...how the sweet hell do you do that? The L and the E aren’t even that close to each other on a keyboard!

Boyd the Reaver: Likewise, how the sweet fuck do you assume there’s wine? From an oriental country different in culture to yours? Idiot.

Kanny: Other hobbies don't exist I guess! And neither do other drinks!

Corrin was pretty sure she could see a vein bulging out of the commander's forehead, "What is it you want, Nohrian?!"

"Well, a strong man and a locked room with a barrel of wine is pretty high on my list, but since you're selfishly denying me that, some water will do nicely. I'm parched."

Keaton: *Captain Baka’s Smart Twin* “I can get you two out of three. Guards, put this jagoff in the cell until she stops whining!”

The commander slammed his hands on the table and stared at her with an angry glare. "What. Is. Garon's. Message?"

Corrin smirked at him, "Oh, is that what you want? Well you should have just said so." She didn't feel the need to point out Felicia's exit while his eyes were focused on her. If he were a smart commander, he would have figured it out for himself

Jude: …fair enough.

Keaton: The part where this man is oddly patient as the scheme demands for Corrin’s benefit isn’t, but apart from being not at all a realistic distraction for a supposedly more realistic universe, sneaking Felicia in as a spy while Corrin plays ambassador is a smart play.

Kanny: The problem is this is ruined by the fact Corringula acts like a smug, entitled drunkard with serious nymphomania.

Leliel: Seriously. This entire few paragraphs is stretched because it’s about 60% Felicia fretting. I get it, she’s nervous about a sneaking mission when she’s not done anything like it before. Thing is, five paragraphs of it is the very definition of filler; it doesn’t make me feel tense, it makes me wonder if the author is getting paid by the sentence.

Kay: Not to mention, if it’s that hard on her - there’s another maid right there who’s a lot more confident: Flora. The lady who, before being retconned within the same chapter, suggested this plan. Seems like you put a scared puppy on the prowl when the trained wolf is right there.

Kanny Here is foreshadowing that DDI was being overambitious with his story and needing to stretch things out with filler.

Kanaki: Yeah not sure why Flora wasn't put on it. I guess Felicia's clumsy maid schtick was easier to write about compared to Flora's icy (pun not intended) complexity.

Charlotte: See, this is more convincing, realistic dark. Still a bit wordy, but both Felicia and Saizo are acting intelligently and competently; Saizo is threatening her, to be certain, but it’s quite clear he wants her alive to interrogate, otherwise he would just stab her instead of knocking her out. He does so after she puts up a competent escape attempt, and if he didn’t have the chloroform rag, she’d likely have escaped. It’s quick, brutal, and shows cunning by both fighters, and I’d love to see more.

Caeldori: It really is a scene of logical outcomes and better darker aspects of war and ambush. Rare moment of Teenage DDI with some sense of clarity.

Ignatius: Yeah, real missed potential here. If only Teenage DDI wasn't running on the Game of Thrones edge and misguided contempt.

"Hmm?" Corrin tilted her ear up at the sound of the commotion outside, "Oh, sounds like the killing has started."

Kana: …this kind, I think. Nice ‘heroic’ taunt, Not-Dad.

Kanaki: Evil Mama really acts like a sociopath, doesn't she? Kinda creepy how flippant she acts about something like killing.

The commander appeared reasonably confused, "What the bloody hell are you on about?"

Leliel: …apparently, Captain Baka does not know what the sound of shouting and chaos is. I’d ask why a military commander doesn’t know, but given who he is, I suspect he was too busy ranting at the instructor of “Noises You Should Not Hear 101” for not letting him eat lunch in class.

Caeldori: I'd seriously be questioning who is his equally stupid superior for letting someone like this be assigned to something as important as the political border of two kingdoms with tensions between them. Really showing the competency of Hoshido here.

Kanaki: You're a border guard for crying out loud! You should be concerned especially when the history of Nohr is of being an aggressor and trying to conquer you! And has killed your king and kidnapped your princess!

The commander was knocked to the ground by the impact, and Corrin wasted no time getting over him, stepping her foot on his neck to keep him down before drawing her sword and slashing his throat open.

Kay: And here lies Captain Baka, who died as he lived; with his head up his own butt and outwitted by halfway competent people. Rumor has it his soul walks the earth to this day, screaming at the grim reaper he doesn’t need directions.

Keaton: *shiver* That was… sadistic. And pointless, one could easily capture him and use him as a hostage to get the fort to stand down.

Kanny: And thankfully improving the Hoshidan gene pool!

Ignatius: A hostage situation could have worked, but considering that the evil counterpart of my mother isn't very merciful to Hoshidans, as seen with Kaze and Rinkah, it would probably be contradictory.

Kanaze: Speaking of hostage situations, in Clover's ABO story, Niles is able to convince Garon and his cronies to not instantly kill a captured Papa and Midori because they have worth as hostages, being Mama's husband and daughter. He argues that dangling hope just out of reach for Mama would make her suffer more and give in easier rather then killing them because it would just spark furious vengeance. In the wrong story, they could easily be killed for shock value.

Kay: *looking very sick now* So… many… POV… jumps…

Keaton: *almost as sick* Bright side… he’s still the smart character...

Caeldori: Tell me about it, POV Jumps are usually per chapter, not per paragraph. Even my guilty pleasure romance novels know that! At the very least Saizo is the only Hoshidan with a braincell. But seriously, *Frederick Voice* pick a perspective and stay!

Leliel: …has this author played Fates?

Jude: I suppose this could be an attempt towards realism, with Saizo simply not being trained for direct fights… when the author is still using the knife-throwing maids.

Kay: Seriously! If you’re going to use that bit of “actual ninja’s are assassins, not frontline fighters”, make Nohiran maids poisoners or magicians! That gives them a similar role, and helps worldbuild Nohr’s idea of sneakiness!

Kanny: Teenage DDI: Of course not! I don't have the attention span to see little details that add to the context of the world of Fates and I'm writing by the seat of my pants! Ninjas just aren't as cool as the knife maids!

Leliel: …yeah, touche. I’ll remember that. But here, I just realized why the author makes ninjas worse in a straight-up fight than maids - because that means the Hoshidans fight less honorably. That’s how you know you aren’t supposed to sympathize with them, unlike the noble Corringula, attacking under cover of parlay, which I’m pretty sure is a real-world war crime! I’m going to be relaxed on this given how it’s a dark fic that isn’t supposed to shy away from the dirty side of war, especially when it involves Nohr being a desperate hellscape, but this? I’ll take “double standard” for 200, Alex!

Kanaki: Teenage DDI: Silly sporkers, there is no honour! Honour is for pussies! Also favouritism! Hoshido too good so gotta make Hoshido bad in every way possible! At least I'm not SilverShadow1711 who also needs to make Hoshido extreme OOC assholes!

CORRIN

Kay: *can’t hold it in any longer, pukes into bag*

Charlotte: Meanwhile, on the other side of the likability and genuine intelligence spectrum...

"Well, shit."

Ignatius: Foul language aside, that's pretty much our reactions to being stuck with her again. Also ugh, I also feel sick from these switches. Caeldori's right, committing on one is generally more smoother and less clunky. This feels like a Frankenstein of a chapter stitched together.

"Not this time," said Jakob, "It's time for a tactical retreat, for now."

As tired as she was, Corrin wasn't exactly on board for that idea either, "We can't go back to father empty handed!"

Kay: I refer you to Leliel’s remarks on how this is the ghost of a much better story about coming to terms with abuse and being a living weapon. Because I actually really like this; it’s irrational and stupid, but for a completely human, understandable reason.

Kanaze: A rare moment of the real Mama showing inside Evil Mama's cover. Perhaps that better story would exist if it didn't suffer from a severe case of Edgy Teenager Syndrome.

"Lady Corrin!" Corrin saw Lilith stand over her with a look of fear on her face. She didn't even see it coming, though Corrin had a perfect view, when Han's ax cut straight into her back. Lilith's eyes went wide as it cut through her spine, then kicked her loose. She fell in the dirt next to her, her lifeless eyes staring into Corrin's own, vacant and empty

*long pause*

Boyd the Reaver: …well, fuck you too, author!

WE’RE GONNA NEED MORE BIFROST STAVES: 3

Leliel: And this, right here, is where I realized just how spiteful this fic is, and how little it understands about the story. See, in canon, Lilith here is two things. One, she’s the keeper of My Castle, the game’s “home base” mechanic. Two, she’s actually a Manakete like Corrin - an Astral Dragon, as mentioned.

Kanny: Being a bit of a devil's advocate here, I think the Teenage DDI just didn't know what to do with her and needed some dead characters with names to highlight the Dark and Edgy.

Leliel: Not to mention, if you’ll flash back to everything we’ve said about Garon - we’ve explicitly outlined how his canon actions are based on the motive that Nohr failing is a win state for him! Literally everything he is and does is based around making sure nobody survives! Hence, the reason he doesn’t seem to have that many backup plans is because the destruction to the side he’s ostensibly leading is the backup plan!

Boyd the Reaver: But because this author is a moron who wants to prove himself a better writer than the actual paid people behind Fates, but doesn’t actually want to think out the canon implications and change the plot accordingly, we are instead supposed to believe that Garon is some kind of tactical genius for thinking the purely human toddler is going to be an arch-loyal supersoldier!

Kanaze: Moron is a bit of a harsh word for an edgy teenager, but it is also true that he was in over his head in attempting something as ambitious as our world without my insane grandfather. It's not impossible to write, but it requires a deeper understanding of the story and elements of what little worldbuilding it has to offer in order to make it work. A surface level skim of the content doesn't cut it.

Keaton: Who have proven themselves worthy of the title because they have brought an end to this chapter! Thank dragons.

Boyd the Reaver: Minus one, who is probably relieved he isn’t part of this mess.

Leliel: Unfortunately, we still are - join us next time, when Hoshido ends up joining us, and we get a full overview of how stupid the loss of the sun is!

Kanaki: Finally, we made it to the finish line. Pack your sunscreen next chapter though, because the sun's debut is going to be a painful one.